Student Nurse's Diary

I only have 11 more months to go.  That's what I've been telling myself.  11 more months to go.  After 11 months, I will be eligible to take the NCLEX-PN exam, and if I pass, boom!  I get my license.

Yeah, that's what I've been telling myself to make me feel at least a little better.  Being married, having a child, and being in nursing school sucks!  Especially if you have a pretty fucked up marriage.

There are things that I regret doing.  Like dating men.  I wish I never dated any men.  God I wish I get attracted to women instead.  At least if I dated women, it would be easier because I know what a woman needs.

With men, yeah they have dicks, but that's all.  Most of them are assholes.  They complicate your life.  They make you miserable.  They demand too much.  They don't give enough.  I'm done with them.

They sure make nursing school hell!

Yesterday while in class, I asked my professor what she would do if she works in ER and there was a gentleman who came in complaining of 7/10 pain, has a BP of 195/107, temperature of 102.7, has shortness of breath, and dizziness.

She said that if she was the ER nurse, they're probably going to run some lab work, urinalysis, and chest x-ray. I asked again, what those all come back negative? She said they would probably do a CT scan. And if those come back negative? Here's what she said.

"Then I would send him home. He is probably just a drug seeking patient."

Are you serious? Did you really just say that? I got so pissed with her answer that I wished she was the patient. I know, I'm being bad, but I kinda feel bad for the patient because this is a real life situation. She had no clue that the patient I used as an example in that situation is my husband. And that's what exactly happened.

We went to the ER because of his unstable vital signs and they ran some tests which all came back negative and they sent us home even though my husband was still in pain.

Whatever it is that's going on with the healthcare system today, I have no idea. All I know is that there is something wrong.

When I was fat, I wanted to become thin. Why? Because I thought that once I become thin, I would look good, I would feel good, and I will be happy.

Then I became thin, so FAST! I was the center of attention. I looked good. I felt good. It made me happy. Really?

When I was a stay-at-home mom, I wanted to have a job and go to school. Thinking it would bring me a feeling of self-fulfillment. I got what I wanted, a job and school. Did it give me the feeling I've been wanting? Nope, it burned me out instead. I ended up quitting my job and now I am full time at school. Now I wish I am a stay-at-home mom again so that I can be with my wonderful son all the time.

Before I bought all my shoes, I thought I needed them. I thought I would look really nice and sexy if I wear them. So I bought them, one at a time. And now they're all sitting in the closet untouched. Some of them I have only worn maybe three times or less.

And I have so much more and most of them are too embarrassing for me to list down here.

The point I'm trying to make is that those material things that we think will make us happy, really won't. The only thing that will make us happy is if we have a relationship with Him. It doesn't matter what you do, what you have, where you live, if you don't have Him, you won't be happy.

Have you ever seen someone so poor, but happy? I have. Have you ever seen someone who we think has everything, and yet unhappy? Discontented? Oh yeah. Celebrities are famous for that. I have friends who are like that. And quite honestly, I don't wanna be like that.

I can preach on and on about how to be happy and all that but I don't think I have to. Because really, not everybody will listen. Some people will think I'm just like this because I don't have money. Others will think that I might be a Jesus freak. So I'm just gonna stop right here. I think you are smart enough to get the message.

It was a life changing experience. It showed me what it's like to live in a nursing home. Growing up in the Philippines where the elderly are treated with high respect, it was shocking to me to see how the residents were being treated like children. It saddened me so deeply. I saw how the residents were being yelled at by the caregivers whenever they tell them to do something. "Ms. X open your mouth!" "Mr. Y wake up!" No wonder the residents don't like them.

I met the lady whom I'm going to name Ms. Nice. Why Ms. Nice? Because I think she was very precious. Although she couldn't hear and couldn't talk, she can touch your hand and look at you in the eyes. And that was enough.

Every time I look in her eyes, I felt like I was looking into her world. She may not say anything, but the look in her eyes says it all.

They said she cannot understand anything because she is deaf and mute, but I think they are wrong. Every time she saw me and my other classmate who was assigned to her, she would try to raise her hand to reach out to you, to say "Hi." Then there is this feeling of pain in your chest that will not go away every time you let go of her hand because it was time for us to leave. It hurts even more when she tightens her grip begging you to stay a little bit longer.

I may not heard her voice, but I think we communicated better than anybody else I have taken cared of in that place. I have not heard her complaints of pain whenever I turned her on her sides or whenever I changed her clothes, but I hope she forgave me if I did, and I hope that she understand that I was only trying to give her the best care I can give.

Ms. Nice is a resident who never gets a visitor. The caregivers don't even check on her often. Why would they? She doesn't talk and can't hear. So why would they spend their time on her?

What they don't understand is that even though she is impaired, she also needs attention. She also needs love. She may not have the ability to care for herself, but she is still a human being.

It's hard being in a nursing home as a nursing student, but it's even worse being a resident. It's hard to trust yourself or your love ones to the people who can't love you.

I cried on the day that we left that nursing home. It was hard to say goodbye to Ms. Nice and it breaks my heart knowing that she liked my company and that she will be alone again because we were done with our clinical. Should I visit her? I would love to. Can I visit her? No, because as a student nurse, I can't.

I just found out my grade for Geriatric Clinical. I got 100 :)

It is so hard for me to keep the house clean. I have a 19-month-old skinny little boy who is unbelievably active and he keeps the house messy. I have a husband who likes to surf on the net all day. And I am a lazy fat a** who can't focus on my studies.

My house is a mess. I can't focus on my studies if there are clutter everywhere. My problem is no matter how I clean up the house and keep it somewhat organized, my little boy is going to tear up the whole house in no time. Where did he get his energy, I don't know. All I know is that it takes me 2 to 3 hours to clean up the house, but it takes him 10 minutes to make it look like a tornado just passed by. Well, maybe 15.

Right now, on this very moment, I could be cleaning the floor while my son is sleeping. I could be studying and making flashcards for my upcoming test on Monday. I could be doing something more productive than just sitting here on my butt trying to make an entry for my freaking blog!

But guess what? I am not bothered with the clutter around me at all. Because today is my weekend and my time to get me some rest. Luckily, my husband don't complain that the house is a mess. Otherwise, if he does, then he is so welcome to clean it up :)